When It Feels Like Nothing Makes Sense: A Reminder for Caregivers
Have you ever felt like you’re drowning in advice? One professional says this. Another swears by that. A friend or family member adds their two cents. Suddenly, instead of feeling supported, you’re left confused and exhausted.
If that’s where you are right now, take a deep breath. You are not alone. And let me remind you of something really important: you are the expert in your child!!
Yes, there are books, trainings, and endless “experts” who may have helpful tools. But the foundation, the tool that truly matters most, is the relationship you share with your child. Everything else builds on top of that foundation.
Why Attachment Matters (And Why It’s Complicated for Kids in Care)
Let’s talk about attachment theory, but in simple terms. Attachment is just the bond between a child and their caregiver. When children feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure with their caregiver, they build what’s called secure attachment. This is like an invisible safety net. It helps them explore the world, take risks, and come back to you when things get hard.
For kids in foster care or kids who have faced trauma, attachment can be a tender and complicated subject. Many of them didn’t get the chance to build that secure base early on. That doesn’t mean they can’t. It does mean it takes time, consistency, and a lot of patience. Your relationship is the bridge that helps them begin to trust again.
Four Ways to Fill Your Child’s Cup
Think of your child like a cup. Every positive connection you share fills it up. Every correction, “no,” or limit you set empties it a little. And the truth is, correction is part of parenting. But when their cup is already running low, correction feels heavier.
So the key is: fill their cup before you have to empty it.
Here are a few simple ways to do that when your child is regulated and calm:
Notice the small stuff. Comment on their drawing, smile at their silly dance, or say, “I love how you’re figuring that out.” These small moments of being seen fill them up.
Play on their level. Even five minutes of undivided, playful attention can go a long way. Let them choose the game, even if it feels silly to you.
Offer gentle touch. A hug, a pat on the back, or sitting close while reading builds safety. Always follow their lead on how much touch feels comfortable.
Connect before correct. If you know you’ll need to ask something hard of them, pause to connect first. A warm look, a quick check-in, or even sharing a laugh can soften the harder moments that follow.
You’re Not Alone
Parenting, especially parenting children who have lived through hard things, is not simple. It’s messy. It’s layered. And sometimes, it feels like no one agrees on the “right” way forward.
But here’s the truth I want you to hold onto: Your relationship with your child is the right way forward. It is the compass. The foundation. The safe base they need.
So the next time you feel overwhelmed by contradicting advice, pause and remind yourself: “I am the expert in my child. I am their safe place. And that matters more than anything else.”
You’re doing important, courageous work. And you don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to keep showing up. ❤️