When Teens Stop Talking: Understanding the Silence Beneath the Surface

The door closes gently. You ask them how their day went, and they just say "fine." You try again, but nothing happens. The silence goes on and on, and soon you start to worry that you've done something wrong or, even worse, that you're losing your connection.

You're not the only one who feels that way. When an adolescent is quiet, it can feel like a wall, but most of the time, it's a window into what's going on inside. When we look at silence from a trauma-informed lens, we can understand it as protection instead of rejection.

The Protective Nature of Silence

If a teenager stops talking, it could be because their nervous system is trying to keep them safe, not because they want to be alone. When life gets unexpected, the brain can go into "watchdog" or "possum" mode, which means fight, flight, or freeze. Some kids, especially those who have been through trauma, use quiet to control their emotions when words are too hard.

That silence isn't disdain or not caring. It's like when your neurological system says, "I'm not ready yet."

What Parents Can See

Instead of focusing only on the lack of words, notice what the silence looks like. Are their shoulders tight? Do they look exhausted or disconnected? Is their voice flat or defensive? These clues let you see past someone's actions and identify what might be going on with them emotionally.

We show that we are protected when we are intrigued instead of angry. We tell our teens, "I can see you, even if you don't say anything."

How to Respond with Presence

You don't have to fill the silence with inquiries or advice. Your calm, steady presence is what matters most. Try: