You Can’t Self-Regulate Until You’ve Been Co-Regulated First

One of the first things I tell families as a parent coach is that self-regulation doesn't just happen on its own; it comes from co-regulation.

I know that could be upsetting because your goal is to assist your child grow more autonomous, settle down without having a tantrum, or "use their tools." But here's the truth: you can't use a tool that you haven't been given. And that's exactly what co-regulation gives you: a model for emotional safety, presence, and regulation that your brain learns over time.

What Is Co-Regulation, Anyway?

Co-regulation is when one neurological system helps another one relax. Your calm body and words act as an outside regulator for your child's overloaded system, like a duet between you and your youngster.

In their book The Power of Showing Up, Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson discuss about how important it is to make youngsters feel protected, seen, calmed, and secure. These aren't just good ideas; they're the building blocks for a brain that can learn to control itself. When a child feels those four S's all the time, their nervous system learns how to get back to normal following stress.

First, there is co-regulation.

Robyn Gobbel, a trauma therapist and teacher I really look up to, puts it simply: "There is no such thing as self-regulation without co-regulation." It might seem brave, but the science backs it up. We don't learn how to control ourselves in a vacuum; we learn it through thousands of small occasions when someone else made us feel better when we weren't.

Babies don't know how to calm themselves down when they are born. When they cry, we pick them up. That physical, emotional, and energetic presence doesn't simply make children feel better; it really strengthens their brain. This is also true for older kids and even adults. We all need safe interactions to learn how to control ourselves.

How It Looks in Real Life

Co-regulation is not a plan that has been written down. It's not about saying the "right" thing. It's about being calm, grounded, and present every time, even when things become messy.

It could look like this: sitting nearby, breathing slowly, and being there quietly during a tantrum. • Saying, "I see how upset you are, and I'm here with you," without trying to cure it right away. • Staying calm and soft when your child's behavior gets out of hand. • Fixing things after you lose them and stating, "You didn't deserve that." I apologize. I'm going to keep trying to stay cool, even when things are challenging.

These times remind your child, "You're not alone when things aren't going well." I won't leave you alone with your feelings.

This isn't pampering; it's teaching.

Some parents think that co-regulation involves giving in or letting things happen. I understand. But here's the difference: co-regulation isn't about giving kids what they want; it's about giving them what they need. A neurological system that is calm. A feeling of being connected. A sense of security.

Tina Bryson says that being there for our kids when they need us is not pampering them; it's helping them build their brains to be strong. And that's exactly what we want in the long run: kids who can handle problems because they know how to get back to normal.

From needing help to being free

Self-control doesn't mean not having strong feelings. It's the ability to feel them without letting them control you. That skill gets better with time, starting with our presence, then with modeling, and lastly with internalization.

So if your child still needs you to help them control their emotions every time, that's not a failure. That's how things grow. That's the basis for what happens next.

Last Thoughts

You can't skip self-regulation. Our breath, our tone, and our neurological system are what keep our kids grounded when they feel lost.

So the next time your child is acting out, ask yourself: "Can I give them the peace they need right now?" • Is it possible for me to keep soft even when they act up? • Instead of correction, may I offer connection?

And don't forget that every time you work together, you're building a strong base for the future.

You are not late. You're making something strong. One controlled moment at a time.