Parenting with PACE: A Powerful Framework for Connection

I sat across from a dad who looked completely worn down. He said something like, “I try so hard to stay calm, but nothing gets through to her. She just screams louder.” I asked him if we could try something different… a way of responding that isn’t about fixing or correcting right away, but connecting. We practiced a framework called PACE.

The next day, he called me. “I used what we talked about. She was yelling about how nobody loves her, and I just sat with her. I didn’t correct her. I didn’t say ‘that’s not true.’ I just said, ‘That must feel so awful.’ She just looked at me. It was like something softened in her.”

That’s the power of PACE.

What Is PACE?

PACE is a foundational model in Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP), developed by Dr. Dan Hughes. It stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy, and it offers a way to respond to children that helps build safety and trust…especially for kids who have experienced trauma or relational disruptions.

PACE is not a behavior management tool. It’s a relationship tool. It focuses on helping children feel emotionally safe so they can begin to co-regulate with their caregivers.

P – Playfulness

Playfulness invites joy and connection. It doesn’t mean being silly all the time, but it means keeping a light tone that helps reduce shame and defensiveness.

Example: When your child says, “You’re mean!” because you said it’s time for bed, you respond with a playful smirk and say, “Meanest bedtime boss in town! I even make sleepy songs.” This helps defuse tension while keeping connection intact.

A – Acceptance

Acceptance means acknowledging your child’s inner world without judgment. It doesn’t mean approving of harmful behavior. It means letting your child know their feelings are valid and safe to share.

Example: Your child breaks something and yells, “I’m so stupid!” Instead of correcting the behavior right away, you say, “It sounds like you’re really frustrated and upset with yourself. That’s a hard feeling to sit with.”

C – Curiosity

Curiosity allows us to wonder about what’s going on underneath the behavior, without assuming or accusing. It communicates, “I want to understand you.”

Example: Your child refuses to get in the car for school. Instead of saying, “You know we have to go,” you say, “I’m wondering if something about today feels scary or too big. Is something bothering you about school?”

E – Empathy

Empathy is feeling with your child. It’s the heartfelt response that says, “I see your pain, and I’m here with you.”

Example: After a meltdown, your child curls up and says, “I hate myself.” You respond softly, “That sounds like such a heavy thing to carry. I wouldn’t want to feel that way either. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Why It Works

PACE builds safety, and safety is the foundation of regulation and growth. For children from hard places, trust has often been broken. Traditional discipline or logic won’t reach a child in distress. Connection does.

By using PACE, caregivers shift from managing behavior to meeting needs. That shift is where healing begins.

Sign up to receive my regular blog posts

References:

• Hughes, D. A. (2009). Attachment-focused parenting: Effective strategies to care for children. W. W. Norton & Company.

• Hughes, D. A., & Baylin, J. (2012). Brain-based parenting: The neuroscience of caregiving for healthy attachment. W. W. Norton & Company.

• Becker-Weidman, A., & Hughes, D. (2008). Dyadic developmental psychotherapy: Essential practices and methods. Jason Aronson.