Planned ignoring

A foster parent once told me about a tough night. Her 6-year-old had just come into her home and was kicking the wall and yelling after being told it was bedtime. The caseworker advised, “Just use planned ignoring. Don’t give attention to bad behavior.” So she sat quietly on the couch while he screamed for twenty minutes.

She followed the advice, but it didn’t feel right. And it didn’t help.

Planned ignoring is a behavior management technique where adults intentionally do not respond to certain actions in hopes of reducing them. The logic is that if a child doesn’t get attention for a behavior, they’ll stop doing it. But this approach completely misses the needs of children with trauma and attachment wounds.

When kids act out, it’s not just about getting attention. It’s about communication. They are saying, “I don’t feel safe,” or “I need help.” Ignoring those signals tells them their big emotions don’t matter or that they only deserve connection when they’re calm.

So how can we respond instead?

Try getting close, staying regulated, and offering connection without giving in to demands. You can say, “You’re having a hard time. I’m right here with you.” Sit nearby, keep your tone calm, and show that you’re not going anywhere. Use a quiet voice, open body language, and breathing regulation to co-regulate.

You’re not rewarding the behavior. You’re meeting the need underneath it. Once the child feels safe and connected, the behavior often softens on its own. Then you can teach and guide from a place of trust.

We don’t regulate children by ignoring them. We regulate them by showing up again and again, no matter how messy things get.

References:

Bath, H. (2008). The three pillars of trauma-informed care: Safety, connections, and managing emotions. Reclaiming Children and Youth, 17(3), 17–21.

Gobbel, R. (2023). Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors.

Hughes, D. A., & Baylin, J. (2012). Brain-Based Parenting: The Neuroscience of Caregiving for Healthy Attachment. W. W. Norton & Company.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.