The Honeymoon Phase in Foster Care: What No One Tells You About New Placements
If you’ve ever welcomed a new foster child into your home, you might have experienced something that felt surprisingly easy at first. The child is polite. Quiet. Maybe even helpful or affectionate. You might find yourself thinking, This isn’t so bad. Maybe this one will be different.
And then, out of nowhere, the storm hits.
Welcome to the honeymoon phase.
So, What Is the Honeymoon Phase?
In foster care, the honeymoon phase is the period right after a child is placed in a new home when everything seems to go smoothly. It can last a few hours, a few days, or even a few weeks. During this time, a child might seem well-behaved, agreeable, and calm. But this doesn’t mean they’re actually settled in. It means they’re surviving.
Many foster youth have learned that being too much or showing big emotions can lead to instability. Some have lived in multiple homes. Some have seen caregivers give up. So when they land somewhere new, they often do what they think they have to do to stay safe. That can look like compliance, withdrawal, perfectionism, or being overly charming.
Why It Happens
The honeymoon phase isn’t about manipulation. It’s about protection.
Think about what happens when any of us are in a new environment. A new job, a new relationship, a new school. Most people hold back a bit. We feel things out before we fully exhale. Now imagine that you’re a child who has been removed from your home, placed with strangers, and told to adjust.
The honeymoon phase is their nervous system saying, “Let’s not rock the boat until we know what’s safe.”
When the Honeymoon Ends
Eventually, the survival mask slips. And when it does, the real work of connection begins.
This is when a child may start testing boundaries, melting down, acting out, or pulling away. Not because they want to hurt you or sabotage the placement. But because they’re asking, “Will you still want me when I’m not perfect? Will you stay if I’m hard to love?”
This is where trauma-informed parenting becomes essential. It’s when patience, connection, and regulation matter more than rules or rewards. It’s when foster parents have to remember that behavior is communication, not defiance.
What Caregivers Can Do
Expect it. Know that the honeymoon is temporary. Don’t get caught off guard when behaviors shift.
Stay grounded. Your calm is contagious. When a child loses theirs, they need to borrow yours.
Lean into connection. Prioritize relationship over compliance. Trust is built slowly, especially with kids who have been hurt.
Seek support. Talk to your team, your therapist, your fellow foster parents. You’re not alone.
A Final Thought
The honeymoon phase isn’t fake. It’s survival. It’s a child trying to feel safe in a world that hasn’t been safe for them.
So when things get hard, remember. It means they’ve started to trust you enough to show you their whole self. And that’s not the end of the journey. It’s the beginning of healing.
Have you been through this phase before? What helped you get through it? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let’s keep the conversation going.