Why We Should Apologize to Our Kids: The Power of Rupture and Repair

Let’s be honest. Parenting is messy. We all lose our cool sometimes. We raise our voices, say things we wish we could take back, or completely miss the mark. That’s part of being human. But what really matters is what we do next.

One of the most powerful things we can do as parents is to apologize.

Yep. Say “I’m sorry” to our kids.

Not in a guilt-ridden or forced way. But in a real, connected, honest way that helps heal the small or big breaks in our relationship.

What is rupture and repair?

Every relationship has moments of disconnection. In parenting, we call these “ruptures.” It might be snapping at your child when you’re stressed. Maybe you were distracted and didn’t hear them when they were trying to talk to you. Sometimes it’s as simple as breaking a promise or reacting in a way that felt too harsh.

Rupture happens. It’s normal.

Repair is the key. Repair is what builds long-term trust. It shows our kids that relationships can go through hard moments and still be okay. It shows them that love is strong enough to handle mistakes.

What the science says

Dr. Stephen Porges, who developed the Polyvagal Theory, talks a lot about how safety isn’t just physical. It’s also about how safe we feel in our nervous system. Our kids are constantly picking up on the signals we send, especially when we are stressed, angry, or disconnected.

When we are dysregulated and yelling or shutting down, their nervous system reacts. They might freeze, explode, or disconnect. But when we come back, calm ourselves, and say something like, “I’m sorry. That must have been scary,” we help their nervous system feel safe again.

That safety is everything. It says, “You matter to me. I see you. We’re okay.”

Why apologizing matters

When we apologize to our children, we are doing more than just saying words. We are showing them what it looks like to take responsibility, to care about how our actions affect others, and to come back into connection after a tough moment.

We model:

• Accountability

• Empathy

• Emotional safety

• Resilience in relationships

Some parents worry that apologizing will make them look weak or less in control. But the truth is, it takes real strength to own our mistakes. When we do that, we build deeper trust with our kids. We also show them it’s safe to be imperfect and to make things right.

What it can sound like

You don’t need perfect words. What matters most is your sincerity. Here are a few simple examples:

• “I’m really sorry I yelled. That must have felt scary. I was feeling overwhelmed, but that wasn’t your fault.”

• “I wasn’t really listening earlier, and I’m sorry. Can you tell me again? I want to hear what you have to say.”

• “I got upset about the mess, and I didn’t handle it the way I wanted to. We all make messes sometimes.”

The bottom line

You don’t have to be a perfect parent. You just need to be a connected one.

Apologizing is not a sign that you’re failing. It’s a way to reconnect. It tells your child, “You’re important to me, even when things are hard.”

So when the next rupture happens, take a breath. Repair the moment. Your child’s nervous system will feel it, and your relationship will grow stronger because of it.

Want more tools like this? Visit www.campbellscc.com for trauma-informed parent coaching, resources, and support. You’re not alone, and you don’t have to figure this out by yourself. Sign up HERE for blog posts delivered to your email!