Why Big Kids Still Need a Bedtime Routine
A parent I work with recently told me she didn’t think bedtime routines were necessary anymore. Her daughter had just turned ten, and she figured routines were more for toddlers. In her words (shared with permission), “She knows how to brush her teeth and get herself to bed. I thought she was too old for all that stuff.”
But over time, she started noticing more bedtime battles. Her daughter would stall, pick fights, or come out of her room again and again. The mom said, “I couldn’t figure it out. She’s independent during the day. I thought bedtime would be the easy part.”
Then one evening, her daughter crawled into her lap and said, “I feel lonely at night. I don’t like being alone after being with everyone all day.” That’s when it clicked. Her daughter didn’t need help brushing her teeth or turning off the light. What she needed was connection. A sense that she didn’t have to power down all on her own.
That mom rebuilt their bedtime with connection in mind, and it completely changed their evenings. Now, bedtime feels like a time of calm, closeness, and care—not something to survive.
This story is a great reminder. Just because kids can do bedtime tasks on their own doesn’t mean they should do them alone.
Why Connection Still Matters at Bedtime (Even for Big Kids)
Between ages 8 and 12, kids are learning how to be more independent, but they’re still very much in need of emotional support. Their days are packed with learning, social pressure, and growing responsibilities. By the time evening rolls around, their bodies may be tired, but their hearts are still holding a lot.
Bedtime routines built around connection help kids regulate their nervous system, feel safe, and fall asleep with the sense that someone is still on their team, even as the day winds down.
Five Ways to Create a Connection-Focused Bedtime for Kids 8 to 12
1. Create a gentle rhythm, not a rigid schedule
Kids this age still benefit from predictable patterns. Keep it simple. Try something like shower, snack, story, and check-in. Involve your child in building the routine so it feels collaborative, not imposed.
2. Begin with presence, not pressure
Instead of diving right into tasks, spend a few minutes reconnecting. Sit together. Ask what made them laugh today. Share something small about your own day. Leading with connection lowers stress and makes transitions easier.
3. Offer space to unload the day
Bedtime is often when big feelings show up. Ask, “Anything on your mind before we turn out the light?” You can even keep a journal or sketchpad by the bed. Sometimes, kids just need to know it’s okay to release what they’ve been holding in.
4. Include calming, co-regulating touches
Even if they roll their eyes at snuggles, most kids still love gentle closeness. Sit on the edge of the bed. Rub their back. Offer a soft blanket or stuffed animal. These little gestures help their nervous systems slow down.
5. End with words that fill their cup
Kids remember the last thing you say to them at night. Make it count. You might try:
“I love being your parent.”
“You worked really hard today.”
“There’s nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you.”
These messages become part of their inner voice over time.
A Final Thought
Big kids still need big connection. They may not need help getting their pajamas on, but they still need someone to lean into emotionally as the day comes to a close. A connection-focused bedtime routine doesn’t just help them sleep better. It deepens your relationship and gives them a strong sense of belonging.
If you’d like more parenting tips like this sent to your inbox, you can subscribe here. You don’t have to do this alone. You’re building something meaningful, one evening at a time.